There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. ~Chinese Proverb

Ive had a time to think and i must say i am feeling better than earlier, I'm not totally out of my depressive mood, but i am getting there. today i even managed to have three decent meals, which my mother was pleased about, but then again i could never resist her roast spicy chicken.



work is well mashallah, i had my mid review, it went better than i thought. me and my tutor were suppose to mark my performance in 11 categories and the maximum in each category was 5 marks, i was going to give my self a 3 or so, but surprisingly i was getting 4s and 5s and a couple 3s. I'm just praying i get a decent pre-reg place with a decent salary, student loans are piling up!!!

A relative of ours in Pakistan died due to birth complications, may Allah grant her a place in heaven. she leaves behind a husband and four children, one of whom is only a few days old. this has been like a wake up call for me, i think of that poor child and her siblings lives, there is already talks of re-marriage, there is nothing wrong with re-marriage after the death of your partner, but one never truly receives the love of a mother.

And i have the love of my mother, which ever form that it is in, at least i have it. i am lucky and for that i should be thankful. what ever choices my parents have made for me, regardless of whether i agree with them or not, i still love them very much so, its not their fault that they can not understand their daughter. even i can not understand me or where my life is going to or is taking me right now.

So ive spent the past couple of days talking to my mother and telling her how i feel about the whole situation, she in turn tells my dad, my dad says no time and time again and i feel like crap, the worst daughter in the world, the worst person to ever fall in love with, a heartbreaker and so low that i dont think i will ever get out of this black hole.

i cant even cry anymore because my eyes hurt so much and i dont have much energy left inside of me to do anything stimulating at all.

i know i should listen to my parents, and move on but everytime i close my eyes i think of him and how my life is suppose to be, it wasnt suppose to be like this. all of my dreams were linked to him and our new life that was going to start. i have to make new dreams now, and thats so hard, a life without him. is that even possible?

i want to complete my degree so badly and move away, i think i am getting serious about apply to med school after pharmacy as it means another 4 years away from home. but at the same time i think about my parents, they dont deserve a bad daughter like me, i cant even smile at them right now.

we pakistanis have double standards, we want our daughters to have an education and develop our own views but soon as these views differ from our elders, then that is wrong. so whats the point of getting an education, i could have spent 10 years dossing around instead of being the good girls that i was.

good girls end up last

I want you to smile

I know its over, there is no chance of us being together, but i want you to know that i wish you all the best, my prays are always with you, no matter where you go or what you do. i wish that we could still be friends, but thats not likely to happen. i want you to call but at the same time i dont. im so weak and emotionally drained right now. the only thing that is stopping me from calling you is the happy faces of my family, i cant disappoint them as you know.

if i know your happy, then i am happy too, i can have some internal peace. life seems so colourless now, all days are rainy days, all food is tasteless, all dreams are meaningless. i pray that we be together in heaven if not in this life, for that life is eternal and this is not.

the green eyed monster

I took the day off work today, it wasnt technically a "sickie" but i was sick emotionally and spiritually, in terms of physical symptoms i had a headache/migraine and my eyes were all swollen up.

I feel like such a bad friend, one of my best friends (J) calls me to tell me she is getting engaged to some guy back in the homeland, and i should have been happy for her and dont get me wrong,i was, i am happy for her. but im also jealous, and wishful that it should have been me. this is suppose to be my summer of engagement! yes i know i sound like a right Meany, but honestly how many more weddings and engagements can i go to and sit there and just wish that it was me with my guy? huh? well the answer is not that many.

so J has invited me and our girlies to the engagement, even though the guy is not here, her family are doing this formal event to mark the start of the engagement. im going to be staying the night over as we will in different places, and i am happy for her, she deserves the love of a good man as i am sure that most of us girls do.

so last night i told my mother about the engagement and she was happy for J saying that she is a sweet, bubbly girl, and then i started crying gently, mother doesnt take crying too kindly but when i do cry she does try to comfort me, however this time she didnt, maybe it was because she was tired from her job or something, this made me even more upset that i was not being comforted and i spent all night crying like the sap i am!

Today i had bouts of crying sessions and generally feel like crap, crap because i cry, crap because im slightly jealous. this evening i was sat down with the family and my daddy asked me why i have been quite all day and i just burst out in tears, huge tears, and then mother said jokingly "J is getting engaged, thats why she is crying" and then i said"im not crying because of HER engagement"

my poor daddy, he looked slightly shocked at the fact i was crying over marriage things. he has always seen me as the studious and career focused person and i dont think he actually realises that i am 22 and that i do like men!

i think i needed to cry in front of my parents for them to realise without me saying to them directly that i do have feelings too, i cannot spend all my life studying and being the happy go lucky character i pretend to be at times. i am at a time in my life where i do need the honest good love of a man (which i am glad that i have) and that man wants to put a ring on my finger which i am ready for, even if my parents are not.

to sum it up i am happy for J if not slightly jealous and envious, i will go the engagement this weekend and be happy for her and wish her all the best. this jealousy is all new to me, i have never really been jealous of anyone before, whether it be about looks, brain or otherwise, i guess matters of heart make you feel all different kind of emotions.....

funny things

my work people are so hilarious, i think its because we are all females,
yesterday my senior lecturer(G) was working with me in the chemist and she was asking one of the girls, lets call the girl D, about her love life, and it went like this
G-so are you still with that fella of yours or you got a new one?
D-which new one?
G-the one you met in Barbados
D-oh you mean BIGGUS DICKUS,* laughs loudly* yeah im still with him
G-well thanks a lot for the details(!)

it was soo funny, i though i was going to die of laughter, G is an elderly lady of 52 and slightest prudish from what ive gathered. the look on her face was a right picture! hehe

Something else happened to me a few days ago, chemist phone rings, therefore i go to answer since no one else ever does!
me-hello********* pharmacy, how may i help you?
person-hiya, im having a fag! (as in a cigarette)
me-uh huh ?
person-im trying to quit, it didn't last long, are you shout at me?
me-well no, quitting and having the commitment to quit is up to you, i cant shout at you
person-im going try to quit now, bye
me-bye

i got some more tales to tell, but that's for another time, im ill-ish....

the placement 2

ITS THE WEEKEND! WOHOO! as you can tell i am so happy that its the weekend, two full days of-

• no dispensing
• no feeling guilty that my clinical knowledge is so crappy at times
• not having blanked out moments that you totally lose track of what you were doing
• no misplacing prescriptions
• no looking up and down the shelves to find a particular medication and then you see it on the bench where its been all that time.
• no listening to grumpy people on the phone and then having to repeat yourself all over agin when they come to the chemist to double check if i was telling the truth
• no suppressing the childish urge to laugh at a rude surname of a doctor or patient
• not feeling like to scream at the pervy customers when they are checking you out!!

So far i am enjoying my placement, the staff are really nice and friendly, im meeting a variety of pharmacists and discovering that each one has their own style of doing things. but the pressure of securing a pre registration place is immense, i have to be on top of my game and two weeks into the placement i can say that i am not! i have 6 weeks left to prove that i am what they need and i can develop so much more and better.

the thing that disappoints me the most is the lack of clinical intervention that a pharmacist can do. if there was more clinical interventions that i could see first hand then maybe i would be slightly more enthusiastic in applying my clinical knowledge. its making me think that maybe after the pharmacy degree i need to do something else, something more, but i dont know yet what it is. the plan was to get the degree and go to some third world countries and help them, ive always wanted to go to Pakistan and help there. but something inside me is saying that after this degree i need to study more. i thought that after this degree my first for medical knowledge would be over, but im wrong i dont think that it will ever be over.

p.s happy birthday to my brother!!!! he's 21 today!!x

the placement 1

Ive only been working for two days and it seems like ive been there forever, the little breaks where we stand and eat snacks in the dispensary, the funny customers that say funny things to make us laugh, the comfyness of it all, makes me feel as if ive been there for more than two days. everyone has been so welcoming, more than i imagined them to be. the most remarkable thing is that ive made a friend in such a short space of time, we sit and chat about life, boys and pharmacy ofcourse, the dreaded pre reg exam!!

most of my day consists of me standing on my feet for 7 hours plus, i get a one hour lunch so atleast i can give my poor feet a rest, my toes are killing me! i want to wear flip flops into work but i dont think its allowed. the thing that worries me the most is that i feel inadequate, im not a good practical student pharmacist as i thought i was, maybe because mostly this is my first time in a dispensary and actually counselling real people instead of the practices at uni. last year i spent alot of time on the healthcare section and i was much better at that, and i picked it up within a matter of days and did my exam within 2 weeks. something gives me the feeling that the dispensing exam is going to take much longer for me to pass. the thought of me failing or not being good or should i say excellent at something especially profession wise really irritates me.

today i was such a bimbo! i totally forgot how to counsel a patient on penicillin antibiotics! thats so standard! i had to ask my tutor and she was nice and helpful and told me not to worry but still i should have known how to do it, i did it for my mock exam! i have so much to learn and experience in this medical world, and my feet are getting the worst deal out of it, my toes really hurt........ to be continued

I PASSES MY EXAMS!

hello,
i had my induction day for my summer placement today, it was like all my class was there! well 25 of us! and the remainder five were from different unis, anyways was just as boring as last year and since i was one of the few that has completed a placement last year i have EXTRA work to do and the competition to gain a pre-reg place is so strife and obvious amongst everyone! whatever happened to the love? and I PASSED MY EXAMS! WOHOO! i dont know the actual marks yeat because the website is messed up but my name was on the pass list! next year my masters! im so happy and relieved. from tomorrow i start work at my chemist, hope they like me, im so tired right now i hate commuting into the city.....
i need chai
bye!