is the end here yet?

hey blog,
i know its been a while since I've paid any attention to you, and I'm sorry. i promise to be more attentive from now on.
life has been hectic as usual with all its ups and downs. just as i thought i was coming to terms with him not being in my life, he called me and now I'm back to square one. can you believe it i was actually smiling and laughing last week, i knew it was too good to be true.
i have exams coming up too, which i am totally dreading, final year it already killing me! i have to do two master projects by January! arghhh
Eid is coming up but I'm not in the celebrating mood, i wish i was but I'm not.

isn't it amazing how one person can affect you so much, that you change from a happy-ish person into a zombie? i wish i had the same optimistic view on life as he does, that we still have a glimmer of hope. but all hope for me is fading now. there is only a certain amount of times a Muslim girl can ask her parents about the same guy before it starts to appear that the daughter has no shame. i cant ask again, maybe this is how it was suppose to be. i want to move on and forget the pain and cherish the memories that i have with a smile, instead of prolonging this till the bitter end where we both end up even more broken.

This is me now

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover Lyrics
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I want you to smile

I know its over, there is no chance of us being together, but i want you to know that i wish you all the best, my prays are always with you, no matter where you go or what you do. i wish that we could still be friends, but thats not likely to happen. i want you to call but at the same time i dont. im so weak and emotionally drained right now. the only thing that is stopping me from calling you is the happy faces of my family, i cant disappoint them as you know.

if i know your happy, then i am happy too, i can have some internal peace. life seems so colourless now, all days are rainy days, all food is tasteless, all dreams are meaningless. i pray that we be together in heaven if not in this life, for that life is eternal and this is not.

the green eyed monster

I took the day off work today, it wasnt technically a "sickie" but i was sick emotionally and spiritually, in terms of physical symptoms i had a headache/migraine and my eyes were all swollen up.

I feel like such a bad friend, one of my best friends (J) calls me to tell me she is getting engaged to some guy back in the homeland, and i should have been happy for her and dont get me wrong,i was, i am happy for her. but im also jealous, and wishful that it should have been me. this is suppose to be my summer of engagement! yes i know i sound like a right Meany, but honestly how many more weddings and engagements can i go to and sit there and just wish that it was me with my guy? huh? well the answer is not that many.

so J has invited me and our girlies to the engagement, even though the guy is not here, her family are doing this formal event to mark the start of the engagement. im going to be staying the night over as we will in different places, and i am happy for her, she deserves the love of a good man as i am sure that most of us girls do.

so last night i told my mother about the engagement and she was happy for J saying that she is a sweet, bubbly girl, and then i started crying gently, mother doesnt take crying too kindly but when i do cry she does try to comfort me, however this time she didnt, maybe it was because she was tired from her job or something, this made me even more upset that i was not being comforted and i spent all night crying like the sap i am!

Today i had bouts of crying sessions and generally feel like crap, crap because i cry, crap because im slightly jealous. this evening i was sat down with the family and my daddy asked me why i have been quite all day and i just burst out in tears, huge tears, and then mother said jokingly "J is getting engaged, thats why she is crying" and then i said"im not crying because of HER engagement"

my poor daddy, he looked slightly shocked at the fact i was crying over marriage things. he has always seen me as the studious and career focused person and i dont think he actually realises that i am 22 and that i do like men!

i think i needed to cry in front of my parents for them to realise without me saying to them directly that i do have feelings too, i cannot spend all my life studying and being the happy go lucky character i pretend to be at times. i am at a time in my life where i do need the honest good love of a man (which i am glad that i have) and that man wants to put a ring on my finger which i am ready for, even if my parents are not.

to sum it up i am happy for J if not slightly jealous and envious, i will go the engagement this weekend and be happy for her and wish her all the best. this jealousy is all new to me, i have never really been jealous of anyone before, whether it be about looks, brain or otherwise, i guess matters of heart make you feel all different kind of emotions.....

Its not all haha hehe

I was visiting a friend last night, i havent met her for quite some time since we both go to different unis and have to balance a hectic work/study/social life, but we try to make time for each other atleast once every three months regardless of how busy we are. She invited me over for dinner and for a good old girly night in-chatting, laughing, talking about men, fashions, things happening locally etc.



Anyway she asked if i wanted to watch her cousin's wedding film, her cousin got married nearly a year ago to this very nice fob. I was invited to the wedding and remember really enjoying myself because it had all the ingredients that makes me enjoy a wedding-small, i knew everyone, food was yum, entertainment was good. I eagerley said yes to watching the film because i think its a a really girly thing, its not enough to just go to the wedding we need watch it all over again on film to analyse every detail and especially how much lbs the camera has made us gain!



I was happily watching the film, enjoying it and trying to remember what the hell i was talking about at the time of the wedding, because each time the camera is on me, im just chatting away!! Near the end of the film, it was time for the rukhsati and thats what this post of about. It was one of the most emotional rukhsati's i have ever seen, during the actual day i was no where near the rukhsati, i was still in the hall and had not realised the rukhsati was going on.



Seeing the bride, her mother, aunts, brothers, cousins, grandparents cry just sent me off on a train of thoughts. This bride wasnt going very far away from home, just a few streets aways and it was such an emotional experience, so what am i going to be like who probably is going to go half way across the world?



The reality of going away from my parents has began to scare me.
They in our culture a girl is never her parents, she is only for her husband and his family. This really upsets me, my parents have been raising me for 22 years, and I think that they have done a mighty well job with it, then why should i become someone elses soley? Why cant i be his and my parents at the same time? What if his family dont accept me? What if marrying him closes all doors for me ever returning home?



That moment at the end of the happiest day of your life is also the saddest day of your life, saying goodbye to those who were once yours and you were once theirs. I have a choice to make either stay close to home and maybe marry someone who i dont love or for the sake of love forsake all my relations here and go be with him. Either way i think the life of a girl is a turbulent one, so many choices, expectations, hopes, dreams, that can be built up and shattered so quickly.



I can only pray that we girls be with the man that love us and we love him, treat each other right and find a way to balance our love for him and our parents, for that is one of the hardest things to accomplish. For parents (especially fathers) to understand that having feelings for a man doesnt mean that our love and respect for you has gone less, for the man to understand how hard it is to be a only daughter and to leave a life that you have been leading to move to a strange, new place, where you husband is the only familiar face.



I know this blog is kind of a downer, but just needed to let it out, only have a year left at uni and now i think im growing out of my kiddy stage and into adulthood mode and realising what little time i have left with my wonderful, weird, funny, caring and most of all supportive parents and brothers.