There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. ~Chinese Proverb

Ive had a time to think and i must say i am feeling better than earlier, I'm not totally out of my depressive mood, but i am getting there. today i even managed to have three decent meals, which my mother was pleased about, but then again i could never resist her roast spicy chicken.



work is well mashallah, i had my mid review, it went better than i thought. me and my tutor were suppose to mark my performance in 11 categories and the maximum in each category was 5 marks, i was going to give my self a 3 or so, but surprisingly i was getting 4s and 5s and a couple 3s. I'm just praying i get a decent pre-reg place with a decent salary, student loans are piling up!!!

A relative of ours in Pakistan died due to birth complications, may Allah grant her a place in heaven. she leaves behind a husband and four children, one of whom is only a few days old. this has been like a wake up call for me, i think of that poor child and her siblings lives, there is already talks of re-marriage, there is nothing wrong with re-marriage after the death of your partner, but one never truly receives the love of a mother.

And i have the love of my mother, which ever form that it is in, at least i have it. i am lucky and for that i should be thankful. what ever choices my parents have made for me, regardless of whether i agree with them or not, i still love them very much so, its not their fault that they can not understand their daughter. even i can not understand me or where my life is going to or is taking me right now.

So ive spent the past couple of days talking to my mother and telling her how i feel about the whole situation, she in turn tells my dad, my dad says no time and time again and i feel like crap, the worst daughter in the world, the worst person to ever fall in love with, a heartbreaker and so low that i dont think i will ever get out of this black hole.

i cant even cry anymore because my eyes hurt so much and i dont have much energy left inside of me to do anything stimulating at all.

i know i should listen to my parents, and move on but everytime i close my eyes i think of him and how my life is suppose to be, it wasnt suppose to be like this. all of my dreams were linked to him and our new life that was going to start. i have to make new dreams now, and thats so hard, a life without him. is that even possible?

i want to complete my degree so badly and move away, i think i am getting serious about apply to med school after pharmacy as it means another 4 years away from home. but at the same time i think about my parents, they dont deserve a bad daughter like me, i cant even smile at them right now.

we pakistanis have double standards, we want our daughters to have an education and develop our own views but soon as these views differ from our elders, then that is wrong. so whats the point of getting an education, i could have spent 10 years dossing around instead of being the good girls that i was.

good girls end up last

I want you to smile

I know its over, there is no chance of us being together, but i want you to know that i wish you all the best, my prays are always with you, no matter where you go or what you do. i wish that we could still be friends, but thats not likely to happen. i want you to call but at the same time i dont. im so weak and emotionally drained right now. the only thing that is stopping me from calling you is the happy faces of my family, i cant disappoint them as you know.

if i know your happy, then i am happy too, i can have some internal peace. life seems so colourless now, all days are rainy days, all food is tasteless, all dreams are meaningless. i pray that we be together in heaven if not in this life, for that life is eternal and this is not.