is the end here yet?

hey blog,
i know its been a while since I've paid any attention to you, and I'm sorry. i promise to be more attentive from now on.
life has been hectic as usual with all its ups and downs. just as i thought i was coming to terms with him not being in my life, he called me and now I'm back to square one. can you believe it i was actually smiling and laughing last week, i knew it was too good to be true.
i have exams coming up too, which i am totally dreading, final year it already killing me! i have to do two master projects by January! arghhh
Eid is coming up but I'm not in the celebrating mood, i wish i was but I'm not.

isn't it amazing how one person can affect you so much, that you change from a happy-ish person into a zombie? i wish i had the same optimistic view on life as he does, that we still have a glimmer of hope. but all hope for me is fading now. there is only a certain amount of times a Muslim girl can ask her parents about the same guy before it starts to appear that the daughter has no shame. i cant ask again, maybe this is how it was suppose to be. i want to move on and forget the pain and cherish the memories that i have with a smile, instead of prolonging this till the bitter end where we both end up even more broken.

End of placement

I havent been keeping up with my blog lately due to many reasons as you may have guessed from my previous posts, alhumdillah my emotional and mental health is getting better......slowly, very slowly day by day. i have to resurface and start living again.

today was the last day of my summer placement with a well known pharmacuetical company howevere still as of yet no reply on whether they will offer me a pre reg place or not. so fingers crossed!! inshallah i hope all turns out well.

for now and hopefully for a long time i am focusing upon myself and my career and hopefully the rest of my life will fall into place.

isnt it strange how in an instance you can change from being a happy, confident and driven person into a living dead person? one dream may have died but the dreams related to my career are still alive, if i fufil them i hope it will allow me to let the past go.

This is me now

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover Lyrics
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. ~Chinese Proverb

Ive had a time to think and i must say i am feeling better than earlier, I'm not totally out of my depressive mood, but i am getting there. today i even managed to have three decent meals, which my mother was pleased about, but then again i could never resist her roast spicy chicken.



work is well mashallah, i had my mid review, it went better than i thought. me and my tutor were suppose to mark my performance in 11 categories and the maximum in each category was 5 marks, i was going to give my self a 3 or so, but surprisingly i was getting 4s and 5s and a couple 3s. I'm just praying i get a decent pre-reg place with a decent salary, student loans are piling up!!!

A relative of ours in Pakistan died due to birth complications, may Allah grant her a place in heaven. she leaves behind a husband and four children, one of whom is only a few days old. this has been like a wake up call for me, i think of that poor child and her siblings lives, there is already talks of re-marriage, there is nothing wrong with re-marriage after the death of your partner, but one never truly receives the love of a mother.

And i have the love of my mother, which ever form that it is in, at least i have it. i am lucky and for that i should be thankful. what ever choices my parents have made for me, regardless of whether i agree with them or not, i still love them very much so, its not their fault that they can not understand their daughter. even i can not understand me or where my life is going to or is taking me right now.

So ive spent the past couple of days talking to my mother and telling her how i feel about the whole situation, she in turn tells my dad, my dad says no time and time again and i feel like crap, the worst daughter in the world, the worst person to ever fall in love with, a heartbreaker and so low that i dont think i will ever get out of this black hole.

i cant even cry anymore because my eyes hurt so much and i dont have much energy left inside of me to do anything stimulating at all.

i know i should listen to my parents, and move on but everytime i close my eyes i think of him and how my life is suppose to be, it wasnt suppose to be like this. all of my dreams were linked to him and our new life that was going to start. i have to make new dreams now, and thats so hard, a life without him. is that even possible?

i want to complete my degree so badly and move away, i think i am getting serious about apply to med school after pharmacy as it means another 4 years away from home. but at the same time i think about my parents, they dont deserve a bad daughter like me, i cant even smile at them right now.

we pakistanis have double standards, we want our daughters to have an education and develop our own views but soon as these views differ from our elders, then that is wrong. so whats the point of getting an education, i could have spent 10 years dossing around instead of being the good girls that i was.

good girls end up last

I want you to smile

I know its over, there is no chance of us being together, but i want you to know that i wish you all the best, my prays are always with you, no matter where you go or what you do. i wish that we could still be friends, but thats not likely to happen. i want you to call but at the same time i dont. im so weak and emotionally drained right now. the only thing that is stopping me from calling you is the happy faces of my family, i cant disappoint them as you know.

if i know your happy, then i am happy too, i can have some internal peace. life seems so colourless now, all days are rainy days, all food is tasteless, all dreams are meaningless. i pray that we be together in heaven if not in this life, for that life is eternal and this is not.

the green eyed monster

I took the day off work today, it wasnt technically a "sickie" but i was sick emotionally and spiritually, in terms of physical symptoms i had a headache/migraine and my eyes were all swollen up.

I feel like such a bad friend, one of my best friends (J) calls me to tell me she is getting engaged to some guy back in the homeland, and i should have been happy for her and dont get me wrong,i was, i am happy for her. but im also jealous, and wishful that it should have been me. this is suppose to be my summer of engagement! yes i know i sound like a right Meany, but honestly how many more weddings and engagements can i go to and sit there and just wish that it was me with my guy? huh? well the answer is not that many.

so J has invited me and our girlies to the engagement, even though the guy is not here, her family are doing this formal event to mark the start of the engagement. im going to be staying the night over as we will in different places, and i am happy for her, she deserves the love of a good man as i am sure that most of us girls do.

so last night i told my mother about the engagement and she was happy for J saying that she is a sweet, bubbly girl, and then i started crying gently, mother doesnt take crying too kindly but when i do cry she does try to comfort me, however this time she didnt, maybe it was because she was tired from her job or something, this made me even more upset that i was not being comforted and i spent all night crying like the sap i am!

Today i had bouts of crying sessions and generally feel like crap, crap because i cry, crap because im slightly jealous. this evening i was sat down with the family and my daddy asked me why i have been quite all day and i just burst out in tears, huge tears, and then mother said jokingly "J is getting engaged, thats why she is crying" and then i said"im not crying because of HER engagement"

my poor daddy, he looked slightly shocked at the fact i was crying over marriage things. he has always seen me as the studious and career focused person and i dont think he actually realises that i am 22 and that i do like men!

i think i needed to cry in front of my parents for them to realise without me saying to them directly that i do have feelings too, i cannot spend all my life studying and being the happy go lucky character i pretend to be at times. i am at a time in my life where i do need the honest good love of a man (which i am glad that i have) and that man wants to put a ring on my finger which i am ready for, even if my parents are not.

to sum it up i am happy for J if not slightly jealous and envious, i will go the engagement this weekend and be happy for her and wish her all the best. this jealousy is all new to me, i have never really been jealous of anyone before, whether it be about looks, brain or otherwise, i guess matters of heart make you feel all different kind of emotions.....