Spirit-Seeker

is the end here yet?

2007-10-07T05:16:00.000-07:00

hey blog,
i know its been a while since I've paid any attention to you, and I'm sorry. i promise to be more attentive from now on.
life has been hectic as usual with all its ups and downs. just as i thought i was coming to terms with him not being in my life, he called me and now I'm back to square one. can you believe it i was actually smiling and laughing last week, i knew it was too good to be true.
i have exams coming up too, which i am totally dreading, final year it already killing me! i have to do two master projects by January! arghhh
Eid is coming up but I'm not in the celebrating mood, i wish i was but I'm not.

isn't it amazing how one person can affect you so much, that you change from a happy-ish person into a zombie? i wish i had the same optimistic view on life as he does, that we still have a glimmer of hope. but all hope for me is fading now. there is only a certain amount of times a Muslim girl can ask her parents about the same guy before it starts to appear that the daughter has no shame. i cant ask again, maybe this is how it was suppose to be. i want to move on and forget the pain and cherish the memories that i have with a smile, instead of prolonging this till the bitter end where we both end up even more broken.

End of placement

2007-08-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

I havent been keeping up with my blog lately due to many reasons as you may have guessed from my previous posts, alhumdillah my emotional and mental health is getting better......slowly, very slowly day by day. i have to resurface and start living again.

today was the last day of my summer placement with a well known pharmacuetical company howevere still as of yet no reply on whether they will offer me a pre reg place or not. so fingers crossed!! inshallah i hope all turns out well.

for now and hopefully for a long time i am focusing upon myself and my career and hopefully the rest of my life will fall into place.

isnt it strange how in an instance you can change from being a happy, confident and driven person into a living dead person? one dream may have died but the dreams related to my career are still alive, if i fufil them i hope it will allow me to let the past go.

This is me now

2007-08-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover Lyrics
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. ~Chinese Proverb

2007-07-31T13:56:00.000-07:00

Ive had a time to think and i must say i am feeling better than earlier, I'm not totally out of my depressive mood, but i am getting there. today i even managed to have three decent meals, which my mother was pleased about, but then again i could never resist her roast spicy chicken.

work is well mashallah, i had my mid review, it went better than i thought. me and my tutor were suppose to mark my performance in 11 categories and the maximum in each category was 5 marks, i was going to give my self a 3 or so, but surprisingly i was getting 4s and 5s and a couple 3s. I'm just praying i get a decent pre-reg place with a decent salary, student loans are piling up!!!

A relative of ours in Pakistan died due to birth complications, may Allah grant her a place in heaven. she leaves behind a husband and four children, one of whom is only a few days old. this has been like a wake up call for me, i think of that poor child and her siblings lives, there is already talks of re-marriage, there is nothing wrong with re-marriage after the death of your partner, but one never truly receives the love of a mother.

And i have the love of my mother, which ever form that it is in, at least i have it. i am lucky and for that i should be thankful. what ever choices my parents have made for me, regardless of whether i agree with them or not, i still love them very much so, its not their fault that they can not understand their daughter. even i can not understand me or where my life is going to or is taking me right now.

2007-07-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

So ive spent the past couple of days talking to my mother and telling her how i feel about the whole situation, she in turn tells my dad, my dad says no time and time again and i feel like crap, the worst daughter in the world, the worst person to ever fall in love with, a heartbreaker and so low that i dont think i will ever get out of this black hole.

i cant even cry anymore because my eyes hurt so much and i dont have much energy left inside of me to do anything stimulating at all.

i know i should listen to my parents, and move on but everytime i close my eyes i think of him and how my life is suppose to be, it wasnt suppose to be like this. all of my dreams were linked to him and our new life that was going to start. i have to make new dreams now, and thats so hard, a life without him. is that even possible?

i want to complete my degree so badly and move away, i think i am getting serious about apply to med school after pharmacy as it means another 4 years away from home. but at the same time i think about my parents, they dont deserve a bad daughter like me, i cant even smile at them right now.

we pakistanis have double standards, we want our daughters to have an education and develop our own views but soon as these views differ from our elders, then that is wrong. so whats the point of getting an education, i could have spent 10 years dossing around instead of being the good girls that i was.

good girls end up last

I want you to smile

2007-07-26T11:43:00.000-07:00

I know its over, there is no chance of us being together, but i want you to know that i wish you all the best, my prays are always with you, no matter where you go or what you do. i wish that we could still be friends, but thats not likely to happen. i want you to call but at the same time i dont. im so weak and emotionally drained right now. the only thing that is stopping me from calling you is the happy faces of my family, i cant disappoint them as you know.

if i know your happy, then i am happy too, i can have some internal peace. life seems so colourless now, all days are rainy days, all food is tasteless, all dreams are meaningless. i pray that we be together in heaven if not in this life, for that life is eternal and this is not.

the green eyed monster

2007-07-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

I took the day off work today, it wasnt technically a "sickie" but i was sick emotionally and spiritually, in terms of physical symptoms i had a headache/migraine and my eyes were all swollen up.

I feel like such a bad friend, one of my best friends (J) calls me to tell me she is getting engaged to some guy back in the homeland, and i should have been happy for her and dont get me wrong,i was, i am happy for her. but im also jealous, and wishful that it should have been me. this is suppose to be my summer of engagement! yes i know i sound like a right Meany, but honestly how many more weddings and engagements can i go to and sit there and just wish that it was me with my guy? huh? well the answer is not that many.

so J has invited me and our girlies to the engagement, even though the guy is not here, her family are doing this formal event to mark the start of the engagement. im going to be staying the night over as we will in different places, and i am happy for her, she deserves the love of a good man as i am sure that most of us girls do.

so last night i told my mother about the engagement and she was happy for J saying that she is a sweet, bubbly girl, and then i started crying gently, mother doesnt take crying too kindly but when i do cry she does try to comfort me, however this time she didnt, maybe it was because she was tired from her job or something, this made me even more upset that i was not being comforted and i spent all night crying like the sap i am!

Today i had bouts of crying sessions and generally feel like crap, crap because i cry, crap because im slightly jealous. this evening i was sat down with the family and my daddy asked me why i have been quite all day and i just burst out in tears, huge tears, and then mother said jokingly "J is getting engaged, thats why she is crying" and then i said"im not crying because of HER engagement"

my poor daddy, he looked slightly shocked at the fact i was crying over marriage things. he has always seen me as the studious and career focused person and i dont think he actually realises that i am 22 and that i do like men!

i think i needed to cry in front of my parents for them to realise without me saying to them directly that i do have feelings too, i cannot spend all my life studying and being the happy go lucky character i pretend to be at times. i am at a time in my life where i do need the honest good love of a man (which i am glad that i have) and that man wants to put a ring on my finger which i am ready for, even if my parents are not.

to sum it up i am happy for J if not slightly jealous and envious, i will go the engagement this weekend and be happy for her and wish her all the best. this jealousy is all new to me, i have never really been jealous of anyone before, whether it be about looks, brain or otherwise, i guess matters of heart make you feel all different kind of emotions.....

funny things

2007-07-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

my work people are so hilarious, i think its because we are all females,
yesterday my senior lecturer(G) was working with me in the chemist and she was asking one of the girls, lets call the girl D, about her love life, and it went like this
G-so are you still with that fella of yours or you got a new one?
D-which new one?
G-the one you met in Barbados
D-oh you mean BIGGUS DICKUS,* laughs loudly* yeah im still with him
G-well thanks a lot for the details(!)

it was soo funny, i though i was going to die of laughter, G is an elderly lady of 52 and slightest prudish from what ive gathered. the look on her face was a right picture! hehe

Something else happened to me a few days ago, chemist phone rings, therefore i go to answer since no one else ever does!
me-hello********* pharmacy, how may i help you?
person-hiya, im having a fag! (as in a cigarette)
me-uh huh ?
person-im trying to quit, it didn't last long, are you shout at me?
me-well no, quitting and having the commitment to quit is up to you, i cant shout at you
person-im going try to quit now, bye
me-bye

i got some more tales to tell, but that's for another time, im ill-ish....

the placement 2

2007-07-14T02:37:00.000-07:00

ITS THE WEEKEND! WOHOO! as you can tell i am so happy that its the weekend, two full days of-

no dispensing
no feeling guilty that my clinical knowledge is so crappy at times
not having blanked out moments that you totally lose track of what you were doing
no misplacing prescriptions
no looking up and down the shelves to find a particular medication and then you see it on the bench where its been all that time.
no listening to grumpy people on the phone and then having to repeat yourself all over agin when they come to the chemist to double check if i was telling the truth
no suppressing the childish urge to laugh at a rude surname of a doctor or patient
not feeling like to scream at the pervy customers when they are checking you out!!

So far i am enjoying my placement, the staff are really nice and friendly, im meeting a variety of pharmacists and discovering that each one has their own style of doing things. but the pressure of securing a pre registration place is immense, i have to be on top of my game and two weeks into the placement i can say that i am not! i have 6 weeks left to prove that i am what they need and i can develop so much more and better.

the thing that disappoints me the most is the lack of clinical intervention that a pharmacist can do. if there was more clinical interventions that i could see first hand then maybe i would be slightly more enthusiastic in applying my clinical knowledge. its making me think that maybe after the pharmacy degree i need to do something else, something more, but i dont know yet what it is. the plan was to get the degree and go to some third world countries and help them, ive always wanted to go to Pakistan and help there. but something inside me is saying that after this degree i need to study more. i thought that after this degree my first for medical knowledge would be over, but im wrong i dont think that it will ever be over.

p.s happy birthday to my brother!!!! he's 21 today!!x

the placement 1

2007-07-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

Ive only been working for two days and it seems like ive been there forever, the little breaks where we stand and eat snacks in the dispensary, the funny customers that say funny things to make us laugh, the comfyness of it all, makes me feel as if ive been there for more than two days. everyone has been so welcoming, more than i imagined them to be. the most remarkable thing is that ive made a friend in such a short space of time, we sit and chat about life, boys and pharmacy ofcourse, the dreaded pre reg exam!!

most of my day consists of me standing on my feet for 7 hours plus, i get a one hour lunch so atleast i can give my poor feet a rest, my toes are killing me! i want to wear flip flops into work but i dont think its allowed. the thing that worries me the most is that i feel inadequate, im not a good practical student pharmacist as i thought i was, maybe because mostly this is my first time in a dispensary and actually counselling real people instead of the practices at uni. last year i spent alot of time on the healthcare section and i was much better at that, and i picked it up within a matter of days and did my exam within 2 weeks. something gives me the feeling that the dispensing exam is going to take much longer for me to pass. the thought of me failing or not being good or should i say excellent at something especially profession wise really irritates me.

today i was such a bimbo! i totally forgot how to counsel a patient on penicillin antibiotics! thats so standard! i had to ask my tutor and she was nice and helpful and told me not to worry but still i should have known how to do it, i did it for my mock exam! i have so much to learn and experience in this medical world, and my feet are getting the worst deal out of it, my toes really hurt........ to be continued

I PASSES MY EXAMS!

2007-07-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

hello,
i had my induction day for my summer placement today, it was like all my class was there! well 25 of us! and the remainder five were from different unis, anyways was just as boring as last year and since i was one of the few that has completed a placement last year i have EXTRA work to do and the competition to gain a pre-reg place is so strife and obvious amongst everyone! whatever happened to the love? and I PASSED MY EXAMS! WOHOO! i dont know the actual marks yeat because the website is messed up but my name was on the pass list! next year my masters! im so happy and relieved. from tomorrow i start work at my chemist, hope they like me, im so tired right now i hate commuting into the city.....
i need chai
bye!

Little angel

2007-06-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

I was at my aunt's house today she has a 14 year old girl and a 5 year old boy-both so beautiful mashallah and we were talking about whether we should go abroad this year or stay and "discover England" instead, and decided that we should stay since i am will start my job soon and everyones schedule is a bit tight this summer. my aunt was like "i want to go abroad, we have seen most of uk, and my baby hasnt been around the world much, i want to take him and show him places" He stopped playing with his jigsaw puzzle, looked up so innocently and said "but mummy i have, i went with you everywhere when i was in your tummy, i saw everything through your eyes" Awww bless him he's the sweetest and naughtiest child ever.

Driving test

2007-06-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

UFFFF i had my driving test today and thats the main reason to why i have not blogged in over a week. Its been consuming so much time, money, energy and is so emotionally draining too. I should have passed my test today as i didnt make any major mistakes. You know what the guy failed me on? being 5 inches wide!! 5 inches! AND then he has the nerve to say to me "you perfect otherwise" wtf?? why couldnt he just pass me, pass me, for the love of allah pass me?

They do it purpose, these people, these driving examiners, bah humbug!

oh yeah and my instructor says i stick my bottom lip out when im getting told off and remind him of a little child and my problem is that i am "too too toooo nice'

whatever i just want to paaasssss and be let free and loose on the roads!!!

A little story about friendship

2007-06-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

"Friendship has a special meaning when you have someone with whom to share. It is a gift for the heart and soul to share. It grows with love, laughter, joy, happiness, tears and time. Friendship is that golden bond than even time cannot sever. A gift to last throughout our lives. Friendship is for ever."

This is poem is from a frame piece someone gave to me a very long time ago, someone who used to be my friend. i keep it as a reminder for friendships lost, found and those that are yet to be made. every time i look at the frame piece it serves to me as a constant reminder of how delicate, beautiful and important it is to have friendship in our lives.

I recently joined facebook after resisting for so many months, i see that my practically my whole primary and secondary school/college (i went to a sixth form school) are on there. some old Friends i would like to get re-acquainted with and some that i would rather forget. the ones that i would rather forget were my best friends in primary and secondary surprisingly, the ones that hurt me the most.

I like to think that i am a good Friend, i listen to problems, give good advice, buy nice present that i know the receivers will like, take an active part in the friendships i have, i know when to step back, but at times, the other friend can start to take advantage and abuse the friendship and the trust that forms the bond. this has happened to me not once, twice, BUT three times, and the thing that hurts me most, my so-called friends formed an alliance and hurt me all at the same time. my crime? for being a good, caring and naive friend.

Childhood friendships gone in instances, i wanted to shout out "who was by your side to console

you when your mother passed away? you stood by you when your brother went to jail and people gossiped about your morals and conduct?" but i didn't i stood in silence maintaining all the dignity i could muster.

As time has gone on my wounds have healed even though at times i feel the pain and think "why me?"

After this incidence occured i went off to uni, and was very apprehensive, of course i wanted to make friends, but i had already mentally prepared myself not to be too close to anyone that could end up hurting me. the funny thing is the more i tried to keep people at a distance, the more they wanted to come close to me, and at a point i thought "why not, lets see what happens".

The following two years i end up living with these girls in a apartment and have the best, worst, saddest, craziest and happiest time of my life. i found the meaning of true friendship, it encompasses all the colours of the rainbow-the lightness, darkness and brightness.

Rant 1- loud neighbours

2007-06-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

My neighbours are sooo irritatingly noisey! its unbearable!!! im going crackers! its now approx 23:14pm, they have been carrying on for ten hours! ten hours i tell you! that is insaneee!

We moved houses 6 months ago and i was away at uni and since ive moved back home, my neighbours (left side) have been carrying on like theres no tomorrow, well umm like theres no other weekend at least. Every weekend they get drunk and make noises, party noises i guess, i hope...and have no consideration for the others in the area. They have been singing soooo loudly and its irrtiating me, right at this moment they are singing "i will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" before that it was the titanic song and before that it was "footballs coming home, it coming, footballs coming home" FYI-they cant even sing! For the love of god just stop!!!!!! Im in my nerd mood and want to study a little, please neighbours stop being arses...

rant over

Random things 1 :)

2007-06-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

The iifa awards came and went with out a bang, bollywoods finest in Yorkshire and still nothing excited happened apart from arjun rampal getting booed off stage, salman kicking katrina out of their hotel room, two chav gangs fighting in the audience-information provided by a friend who was actually derailed enough to go.
My driving instructor asked me if i had blonde hair under my hijab!......wtf?? apparently i remind him of a blonde, confused barbie doll, he's weird but keeps me entertained.
There is an imposter!! there has been various sightings of a girl that look exactly like me! i have to find her, im sooo curious to see my look-a-like.
Arghh its soo hard to lose 7 lbs! and its half way through June, need to up the ante
Daddy's birthday bbq went good, weather was hot and i turned a blind ear to all that was being said, too bad i didnt turn a blind mouth, because i think i stepped on a few toes....eeeekkkkkkk
I HATE APPLICATION FORMS! applying for pre-reg and its sooo tedious, got so many to do yet and they all ask weird questions e.g please state the number of prescriptions of the last pharmacy store you worked for. so are they asking me per day, per week, per month, per hour even?? and how the hell am i suppose to know? i can remember exactly how much because we were more of an "over the counter pharmacy" than a "prescription pharmacy" blehhhhh

Anything with apple in it cannot be wrong!

2007-06-10T08:25:00.000-07:00

I am sooo addicted to the new dkny perfume:be delicious! its soooo green appley, tangy, summery and yummy smelling, hmmmm niceee!! I wasnt going to buy it at first because the lady at the perfume shop was being a cow for some reason, but i really wanted it for ages, so i thought might as well!!
Oh and there is this cool little bottle of perfume with it, it had a roller ball head, so you can easily rub it on your wrists and neck! ive never seen anything like that before, so pardon me for my child like excitement! hehe

oh its my daddy's bday today so: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!! XXX

Its not all haha hehe

2007-06-07T13:56:00.000-07:00

I was visiting a friend last night, i havent met her for quite some time since we both go to different unis and have to balance a hectic work/study/social life, but we try to make time for each other atleast once every three months regardless of how busy we are. She invited me over for dinner and for a good old girly night in-chatting, laughing, talking about men, fashions, things happening locally etc.

Anyway she asked if i wanted to watch her cousin's wedding film, her cousin got married nearly a year ago to this very nice fob. I was invited to the wedding and remember really enjoying myself because it had all the ingredients that makes me enjoy a wedding-small, i knew everyone, food was yum, entertainment was good. I eagerley said yes to watching the film because i think its a a really girly thing, its not enough to just go to the wedding we need watch it all over again on film to analyse every detail and especially how much lbs the camera has made us gain!

I was happily watching the film, enjoying it and trying to remember what the hell i was talking about at the time of the wedding, because each time the camera is on me, im just chatting away!! Near the end of the film, it was time for the rukhsati and thats what this post of about. It was one of the most emotional rukhsati's i have ever seen, during the actual day i was no where near the rukhsati, i was still in the hall and had not realised the rukhsati was going on.

Seeing the bride, her mother, aunts, brothers, cousins, grandparents cry just sent me off on a train of thoughts. This bride wasnt going very far away from home, just a few streets aways and it was such an emotional experience, so what am i going to be like who probably is going to go half way across the world?

The reality of going away from my parents has began to scare me.
They in our culture a girl is never her parents, she is only for her husband and his family. This really upsets me, my parents have been raising me for 22 years, and I think that they have done a mighty well job with it, then why should i become someone elses soley? Why cant i be his and my parents at the same time? What if his family dont accept me? What if marrying him closes all doors for me ever returning home?

That moment at the end of the happiest day of your life is also the saddest day of your life, saying goodbye to those who were once yours and you were once theirs. I have a choice to make either stay close to home and maybe marry someone who i dont love or for the sake of love forsake all my relations here and go be with him. Either way i think the life of a girl is a turbulent one, so many choices, expectations, hopes, dreams, that can be built up and shattered so quickly.

I can only pray that we girls be with the man that love us and we love him, treat each other right and find a way to balance our love for him and our parents, for that is one of the hardest things to accomplish. For parents (especially fathers) to understand that having feelings for a man doesnt mean that our love and respect for you has gone less, for the man to understand how hard it is to be a only daughter and to leave a life that you have been leading to move to a strange, new place, where you husband is the only familiar face.

I know this blog is kind of a downer, but just needed to let it out, only have a year left at uni and now i think im growing out of my kiddy stage and into adulthood mode and realising what little time i have left with my wonderful, weird, funny, caring and most of all supportive parents and brothers.

Seven things-here goes

2007-06-04T14:45:00.000-07:00

Seven things i hope to do by thirty-

learn how to ride a bike
pay off university debts
pass my driving test
get married
have atleast one child
own a house
travel to atleast four countries

Seven things that i cannot do-

lie
be mean/insensitive on purpose
stand by and watch injustice
ride a bike
whistle
play football-it hurts my toes :(
stop loving

Seven things i love-

my family :) and friends :)
my soulmate
good food and drink
post it notes- i am so obssessed with them, i have soo many in all different shapes, sizes and colours
ice cream-hmmmm skinny cow, ben n jerry's, carte d'or, dixons
the sound of my loved ones laughing
books/novel-this even includes text books!

Seven things i want in a partner-

sense of humour
can cook!
intelligence
family values
wants to have children
romantic-accepts me for who i am
religious values

Seven films i love-

qayamat say qayamat tak- even though im not a bollywood buff, this film is one of the best ever, a total chick flick!
the goonies-do the truffle shuffle!
home alone 1 and 2
dirty dancing
pretty woman
back to the future 1 and 2
little women

Seven authors i love-

malorie blackman
jean sasson
jane austin
dan brown
sohier kashoggi
chitra bannerjee
judy blume

Seven stores i cannot resist-

monsoon and accessorize
thortons-hmmmmm chocolate
lush
body shop
dorothy perkins
primark
laura ashley home

My to do list for this month (arghh)

2007-06-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

Apply to all the community and hospital pharmacies where I think that I have a remote chance of them accepting me for a pre-registration place next summer
Start preparing for my summer placement that starts next month e.g brush up on calculations, read through healthcare notes, try to read the ENTIRE BNF! (ambitious?-yes i know)
Decorate my bedroom and bathroom- i was soo looking forward to do thing but with the above two points i might not a get a chance this summer and then winter starts :( . I might have to ask my family for help, even though i said i didnt need any help doing up my part of the house..........
PASS my driving test-need to apply for one first (hehe)
LOSE the remaining weight to reach target-7lbs to go!!
Brush up on my cooking skills-everyone is going back to work and school next week as half term is nearly over, and so I think that this is a good time to brush up on them chappati making skills :)

Divine intervention?

2007-06-01T05:22:00.000-07:00

Its friday, a day of rest and pray and so I thought that I should do something that I have been meaning to do for quite sometime but have been putting it off. I go into the front room which for the time being we are using as a storage place and get out a plastic bag, and climb two flights of stairs with it. In my room I place the bag on my desk and open it, and there it is-The nobel quran with english translation.

I prepare myself to read but at the same time feeling scared and excited. Its hard to explain but I have always thought if I read it with the english subs maybe i wont fully believe it or doubt it, maybe thats my own ignorance. Do not get me wrong I love my faith and the individual outlook of faith that I have but after years of just reading in arabic and not really understanding a word of the holy book apart from that it is the divine word. I was getting frustrated at my misconceptions and those of others around me, its the old culture versus religion debate again. So i thought that this would be the summer where i sit down and pace myself throught the quran but also read, understand and internalise the meaning of it.

For me this is a form of atonement, cleansing my soul of the past sins i have commited (little white lies, gossiping etc). I dont know whether one day i will become "super religious" or what not but I need to feel peace in my soul and this is what it is all about. This is also my way of paying respect to my grandparents that sadly left us nearly two years ago.

Maybe I am being selfish also, hoping that if I pray and atone myself I will be rewarded by getting something that i have wanted for a very long time. My daddyji says that the quran e pak is like food for soul, I certainly hope that it does feed my soul this summer.

Yummu!

2007-05-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

You Are a Chocolate Cake

Fun, comforting, and friendly.You are a true classic, and while you're not super cutting edge, you're high quality.People love your company - and have even been known to get addicted to you.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofcakeareyouquiz/">What Kind of Cake Are You?

New old haircut

2007-05-29T04:50:00.000-07:00

Wohoo! ive got a new old hair cut! I know that sounds a bit weird so let me explain-
for quite some time i have been visiting a certain hair salon and have asked for a certain hair cut. The hair cut in question had been a one inch trim, side fringe and three layers to be put in. Some how the hair cut was never as i imagined it to be no matter how much i explained it to her. It used to end up being so harsh and rigid, like three different size bowls have been placed around my head (i kid u not).

Finally i gave up going to her and went to a new hair salon in the same area (a friend recommended the new salon and she always has nice hair). Off i go and meet the lady that is going to be my saviour i hope! She is a very trendy 40+ Iranian lady and examines my hair and says "i cant see any layers in here, where did u get this done from?" I explain to her my story and she is like "well this will not do at all, a womans hair is her masterpiece"

I ask for the same hairstyle and then regret it thinking that what if she does a bad job too and then i am stuck with this style for 2-3 months. However by then i have had a hair rinse and she is snipping away.

TADA! one hour later i have this total new hairstyle but i asked for the exact same thing as before! How could this be? I was in awe of my reflection and say to her rather excitedly "this is what ive always wanted!" She was happy that i was happy, i was happy that my hair looks nice, nice cheery smile all around. Im so gald i have finally found a hairdresser that fits the qualities of a hair dresser-funny, talkative, good listener, quick and most important of all knows what she is doing!

Two hours ago-
me-"how does my hair look?" rather excitedly
brother-"looks the same as always, have you had something done?"
me-"well duhh cant u tell?"
brother- "no not really"
end of conversaion

Flash backwards 6 months ago-
me- "how does my hair look?"
brother- "looks the same as always, have u had something done?"
me- "well duhh cant u tell?"
brother- "no not really"
end of conversation

Maybe its me or maybe its them?

2007-05-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

The bbq went ahead even though it was fricking cold! I thought that it was cancelled and so was sitting home bored stiff as was everyone else. So we decided to go visit one of my aunts and my uncle greeted us at the door as was like the weather is so gooood now i.e not raining we should do the bbq. After getting the bbq ready, realising we were out of coal, running to a store that actually sells coal to get some, calling everyone to come over, running to the store again to get plastic cuterly (it makes get togethers so much more easy), the bbq was in full swing.

During the course of the evening I realised that i dont really have a good relationship with any of my cousins, i do with their mothers, but not with them. We just exchange pleasantaries and thats it. No talk about hobbies, interests, what we have been upto etc
Its not as if i mind, i dont mind, growing up with them made me realise how different we were (constant fat remarks stay with u no matter how much weight you lose). Its the fact that they dont make the effort to converse with me, for so long I have tried to interact with them, i have supported them when they have needed me, all in all i have been there for them. It would not hurt any of them to talk to me properly or ask me questions about my life, university, activities I have been doing.

Within my immediate family-parents and brothers i feel happy and accepted, outside of this i feel as though people only talk to me when they want something from me otherwise they do not talk to me.

I have thought long and hard to why this is and come to a conclusion maybe that they are jealous that i am the only one out of them that has gone on to university. Maybe they find that intimidating, me being a girl as well might have something to do with it. They be embarrased for teasing me when i was younger about my weight, intelligence and how i was soo awkward. OR they are now intimidated by me, by me intelligence and future prospects? (yes i know that i sound sooooo big headed but im not really, im just thinking of possible reasons)

I dont know the exact reasons, mum and dad just say to me forget them and you reach for your goals and dreams. Inshallah i know i will achieve my goals but a little bit of support or happiness from my extended family would also be quite nice. Maybe thats just wishful thinking.........

Rain Rain

2007-05-28T05:34:00.001-07:00

Its bank holiday Monday and i should be right now getting ready for a family bbq, but im not. I am in bed with stomach pains looking out of my windows at the rain pouring down oh and its just began to hailstone.

SOO much for a family get together, to tell the truth I actually do not mind. Lets face the facts if the weather had been nice and the bbq would have gone ahead,

in roughly 50 mins atleast one person would have made an insulting comment to another person and hey presto! a argument starts
comments would be made about weights and looks
a clingy cousin of mine would have done her routine act of trying to make me feel guilty for some reason or another
I would have to do the cleaning up,
I would have to make chai and then this gives everyone free reign to criticise my chai, resulting in my mum (bless her) standing up for me and then one certain uncle criticising my parents parental skills.

Most people think that its soo weird that I know what is going to happen at each family get together, the reason I know is that because for 22 years the same thing has practically been occuring, I think i have got the predictions down to an art form!

Who is Spirit seeker?

2007-05-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

The answer: i do not know who spiritual seeker is.

I have been deciding on and off for quite some time to start a blog of my own, the reason why?

I do not know who i am-well i do know who i am as in my legal, professional identity, family etc but i am still hoping there is more to me
Hopefully blog will be a visual reminder of my trials and tribulations, good times, sad times, happy times inshallah
I need a place to talk about my view and opnion on things
I am curious about the life of a blogger and can only find out if i am a blogger myself!

I have just finished my batchelor's degree in pharmaceutical science and inshallah next year will be my final year at university and i will gain my M pahrmacy degree!

I have got summer holidays as of yesterday and that means nearly four whole months off, but for two months of that i am going to be working so :( and :) at the same time.

I think its going to be interesting blogging away for four months about my summer vacation and all the commotion which no doubt will come with it!